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startrunningx3

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September 27th, 2011

John...

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 Dear Journal/People of the World,

WOWWW! Has it been a WHILE SINCE IVE WRITTEN. Tonight i went to a college fair with Megan. It pisses me off about how we're olanning our futures and high school isnt over yet. Im convinced it never ends. Yesterday was just a great day, weirdly enough. John came over (late :P) and we were gonna go to youth ministry but decided against it. Instead we walked to work and smoked a couple of cigs on the way back. It was my last pack. I'm happy I had my last cigarette with him. I'm done for a while, it's hurting me, literally. Asthma sucks. But I don't know why but it was a great day. We went to narnia (g-ma's secret closet with the baby crib) and just fist fought eachother on gugh's couch for a bit. We went back to my house and cuddled and rolled around on my bed. Same shit we always do, abuse eachother. It was just great. As much as he doesnt see it, I missed him a lot. Just me hanging out with him makes me happy. To be honest, I dont give a motherfucking shit how much megan hates him. He's my bestfriend and I love him to death and beyond. Fuck megans shittt. 

Whatever, the fun. concert is coming up at bowery ballroom so im excited :D<3 I hope I can actually gooooo. I hope the stupid wedding isnt that day. Whatever. I really hope nobody ever finds this. I'm picky bout ppl finding my tumblr, let alone my livejournal haha.

C'est la vie,
Lauri

June 20th, 2011

(no subject)

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 Dear Journal /People of the World,

I am soooo so so sooo mad at my best friend right now. Im wayy sorry I havent written in a while, I just have been busy with everything. Johnnie, is having one of those nights where he wants to be a sappy little bitcfh and make me cry. He likes to make me cry cause hes a jerk.

April 28th, 2011

Mariah

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Dear Journal/People of the World,

So theres this girl, not just a girl, named Mariah and I like her. Shes sweet, kind, considerate and listens to all my drama. She was there for me when Nate was busy performing, or John was bitching at me, or Megan was grounded. I could see myself being real close with this girl inna few years. I like her a lot actually but she bugs me, I don't think she realizes how beautiful she is, inside AND out. She needs to kick up her self esteem 3o volts because she has a reason to. Hopefully, we're gonna go out tomorrow, ill letcha know how that works out later. gotta jet.

Love &Rockets,

Lola

April 1st, 2011

2 days left...

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Dear Journal/ People of the World,

Well I have JUST TWO DAYS until i see Nate. IM SO NERVOUS. what if he doesnt like me? or thinks im hideous? i hate to say i bought an entirely new outfit just for the occassion. Its a little black pleather jacket with a yellow tank top and black skinny jeans. I want him to approve of me so badly. I want him to see that im still that kid he can always trust and talk to and have faith in, but i  also want him to see me and be like "Shit, I shouldn't have let the distance get between us, im still in love you you Lauren." NOW I KNOW that would never happen, but a girl can dream right? I love him so much. CORRECTION  I'm so in love with him. 
Tomorrow is also Friday and Jhada Harris' Sweet 16. Its gonna be on a BOAT. A MOTHER FUCKIN BOAT. Shes poor too which is the funny part. I cant even concentrate, I wanna go to maryland like now. I think my expectations are too high though. I want it to be cute and romantic and hysterical and touching and I feel like he wont even try to kiss me when im there, i mean its not like thats the only thing that ive wanted for like 2 years now or anything like that but ya know. 
 
I want him, I wanna be with him. I hate living this far away from him, I cant stand it. Im so in love with him ive never had the butterflies this bad over anything. I feel like my insides just blew up and the pieces are still falling down. I need this Saturday to work. it HAS to work, PLEASE GOD LET IT COME THROUGH.
 
Anxiety & Anticipation,
Lola

March 29th, 2011

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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BAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ITS OFFICIAL!!!!!! MY DAD SAID YES!!!!!!!!!!!! IM GOING TO MARYLAND ON SATURDAY!!!!!!!!!!!


-LOLA

March 28th, 2011

BAHAHAHHAHAHAHAH

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JUST AND UPDATE; SCOTT STOOD UP MEGAN. I HATE SCOTT AND HE HATES ME, WE CANT BE FRIENDS OR ANYTHING ELSE FOR THAT MATTER. KBYE. 

Nate, again.

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Dear Journal/ People of the world,

I did nothing today but bonded with mommy over countless episodes of Law & Order SVU. The entire time though I kept thinking about my dads answer...the Yes or No that I can go to Maryland to see Nate. I called Nate and told him it was a yes and he said he was more excited than Rebecca Black on Friday. ( i hope i remember what that means when i look back on this in a few years, if not  then youtube Friday by RB) I NEED to see him. I havehavehave to. This weeks gonna go on forever.

Hope and Horizons,
Lola

March 24th, 2011

Nate.

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Nate misses me...really misses me...wants to see me next weekend...this is goin to happen.. :)<3

LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE,
Lauren<333 

Megan and Scott

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Dear Journal/People of the World,

Scott and I now have a dirty little secret of our own; the fact that we have secrets. Most of our conversations start off with "promise not to tell megan.." or "pinky promise..."  I dont like keeping stuff from her but I honestly might like him. I dont know. I really love Nate and im starting to talk to this kid Eric Kramer whose my Club promotion leader....Idk about boys anymore...HELP!?!

 

Confusion & Cosmos,
Lola

March 23rd, 2011

A commitment

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Dear Journal/People of the World,

WELLLLL today we had Rachels Challenge in school. It took almost an hour but i didnt mind because Rachel Joy Scott's brother Craig Scott is FINEEEEE. LIKE SUPER DUPER HOT. too bad he's 28 and lives in Cali...oh well...but heres the drammaaaa; found out that Megan and Scott are officially dating. I guess im happy. I dont like him and hes a complete DOUCHE BAG to me but hes chill with her...for now...he hurts her ill rip his balls off.

Peace, Love, Rainbows,
Lola 

March 22nd, 2011

(no subject)

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 Dear Journal/ People of the World,

WOW, it has been a WHILE since ive written into this thing. Its already the middle of March. Well to fill you in on some information, 

Nate:
I can honestly say that I still love him. He is an assholee, he is obnoxious, a douche bag, and a jerk, but i love him. He is my first love and i think ill always love him one way or another. He tries to go out with other girls and i try to go out with other guys, i just keep thinking of him though. I miss him, i miss hanging out with him and i feel like the only time imma see him is over august cuz he isnt going to camp. i need him, i need his shelter. i need his love. i need him. i need.
 
Megan:
Megan likes Scott. Scott likes Megan. Life should be good right? NOPE. For a breif moment I liked Scott for some reason. I miss him as a friend but thats all.  We went into the city on St Patricks Day and I saw him and we made out but it wasnt anything. Im NOT okay with them going out because i LOVE Megan soo much and if he hurts her (i know he will) ill kill him, Hes a douche and i dont trust him with her. I hope for his sake he's gonna be good to her. ill kill him.
 
Scott:
I dont want him to date Megan. He is a jerk. I love her; hes gonna hurt her. BOTTOM  LINE.
 
Mom:
I need to let her touch me and love me. Im feeling guilty, I feel like she feels I dont love her. But i do. Ill fix things between us soon.
 
Peace & pastries,
Lola
 

January 26th, 2011

(no subject)

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 Dear Journal/ people of the world,

I DONT GET BOYS. I really don't and it really pisses me off. One day Nates fucking done with me and the next i get this;

i'm a jerk when I make you blush
[1/25/2011 11:48:28 PM] Nate Ryan: and a jerk when I treat you well
[1/25/2011 11:48:31 PM] Nate Ryan: and a jerk when I treat you badly
[1/25/2011 11:48:57 PM] Nate Ryan: and a jerk when I'm feeling shit and out of my head on codeine
[1/25/2011 11:49:08 PM] Nate Ryan: and you still stick around and I can give you no less than all of my love for that.
[1/25/2011 11:49:13 PM] Nate Ryan: but i digress
[1/25/2011 11:49:19 PM] Nate Ryan: I can't possibly not be a jerk.
[1/25/2011 11:49:41 PM] Nate Ryan: And I figure if loving you makes me a jerk... then I'm quite content to be a jerk.

MIXED SIGNALS ALL THE WAY. whatever. Im just gonna go with it.

Cosmos & Confusion,
Lola

January 19th, 2011

last entry of him

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This will be the last thing i have to say about Nate fucking Ryan. You led me on, led me to believe you, led me to believe u loved me and actually felt something for me. you played me. you find something better then throw me aside then trash me nonchalantly on facebook.  YOURE A FUCKING TOOL AND I WISH I NEVER FELL FOR YOU. I WISH I WOULD HAVE SHARED CIT POINT WITH SOMEONE WHO WILL ALWAYS BE THERE FOR ME. I WISH YOU CAN JUST DROP OUT OF MY LIFE JUST LIKE YOU FUCKING POPPED INTO IT. FOR THE PAST 2 YEARS ITS BEEN NOTHING BUT LIES! I dont understand how i could be so STUPID as to fall for the goddamn trick. IM SO OVER YOU NATE RYAN AND ITS NEVER FELT SO FUCKING GOOD. HAVE FUN WITH FUCKING SYDNEY CUZ SHE WASNT THE ONE THAT WAS THERE FOR YOU WHEN YOU ALMOST DIED CAUSE MADIE BROKE YOUR HEART, HELD YOUR HAND UNDER THE TABLE, WALKED ALONG THE BEACH WITH YOU, GAZED INTO THE FUCKING STARS WITH YOU. IT WAS ME ALL ALONG NOT HER. YOU HAVE LOST ME FOR GOOD NOW AND U DONT GIVE A SHIT! I BRAG ABOUT HOW GREAT YOU ARE. WELL 2 WORDS~FUCK. YOU. IM NOT EVEN FUCKING SAD, IM SO DAMN ANGRY, I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW I COULD BE SO STUPID. IM SOOO OVER YOU. THIS WAS THE LAST STRAW. WE WILL NEVER BE THE SAME.

this is what his status was today 9:53 pm on January 18,2011...

"Well, I'm horribly sorry if it's too much for you to keep up with, I never meant to inconvenience you with my personal life that you have absolutely no connection to. I'll do as I want and love where I please, and if I'm not a person to you for it, so be it. I am what I am, and I'm loving every minute of it, and if you can't respect it, I'm better without you."

GOOD. FUCKING. BYE. FUCKING. DOUCHE BAG.

Beasts & Betrayal,
LAUREN FUCKING MACQUEEN.

January 9th, 2011

 Dear journal/ people of the world,
I dont know why, but im lying in bed listening to breathe by michelle branch and im just thinking of Nate and whats gonna happen when and if I do go and see him in Maryland. Im crying for some reason im unsure of but theyre happy tears. When i go there I want it to be happy and blissful and laughably romantic and perfect. Hes movin on and so am I so i dont know whats gonna happen. I realize now thats what ive wanted since jersey. I needa talk to my dad and set a definitive date to this, At this point I dont even care if he's not happy to see me; i just needa see him.

Nerves & Nukes,
Lola

(no subject)

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 Dear Journal/ People of the world,

Well my mom took away my computer and Im pissed...if she ever sees these diary entrys im gonna get shot. Obsessing over a kid she hates for the sole purpose tht hes black and i write how IN LOVE with him i still am although he met a new girl at iceworld doesnt help much either, Oh well, she was bound to find out anyways right? Whatever, I realized how much of a goodtime I have when im with my dad cuz i can just be free and unbothered. When I get home im just so angry and I hate myself for it. On another note...Scott and I had a video chat today, he told me he loves me. Problem still unsolved; back to square one. I need him to stop, even if it means losing him as a friend. I told him i dont love Nate anymore; actually its partially true. Im slowly but surely gettin over him, hes movin on and so am i. I love him, im just not in love with him. Gotta go, pce.

Tranquility & Tanks,
Lola

January 7th, 2011

Hot Skates & John.

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Dear journal/ people of the world,

I made plans with megan to go to hotskates on monday. Joh called me yesterday and wanted me at his house. where u think imma go?! I wanna go with john, not hotskates. Meg bitched and complained and shes my bestfriend, im not gonna say no...so I went and we did have a really good time but I miss John & I wanna see him =( Whatevs. nxt weekend is marians partayy so its good :)

Hope & Hatchetts,
Lola 

WORN OUT.

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dear journal/ people of the world,

alll i wanna do is sleep. SHA wears me out so much. Tomorrow is sweats day at sha and its just this whole relaxed day and we get out at 12 pm. I have wash to fold but im gonna go inna few but I also we just asked to be in Destinees Sweet 16 Court! So im excited for that. its august 27th :)
AND MY AUNT KELLY JUST FOUND MY IPOD TOUCH I LOST FOREVER AGO!!!

Ecstacy&Elephants,
Lola 

January 4th, 2011

Death

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Well i just put on french tips so ill make this quick. I WENT TO MRS AMMIRATIS WAKE LAST NIGHT AND IT WAS HORRID. She was just laying there, dead, and nobody seemed to mind...like at all. AND meg just tld me her dads bffls daughter just shot herself. YAYYYYYYY. GTG nails.

Nails & Neurons,
Lola 

January 3rd, 2011

Procrastinating..

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Dear Journal/ People of the World,

Its 10:40 PM and im procrastinating doing my math homework, i have the book but i just dont feel like doin it. ive been doin homework since like 7 PM. Tomorrow is my first day back at school and I have to go to a wake. MY FIRST WAKEEE UGHHH. I had Mr.King last year for bio but the other bio teacher mrs ammirati died of cancer and her wake is tomorrow, so me and Megan are gonna go together. I feel so bad, she fought long and hard.

On another note, i have to talk to greg about this weekend cause Nate gave me the okay to go and see him (:
Im pooped. imma go eat smthing then sleep. Night humans<3

Sleep&Shadows,
Lola 

January 2nd, 2011

Dear Journal/ people of the World,

"I love you, too, too bad you're a million miles away and we couldn't kiss at midnight or something laughably romantic like that. Happy new year xD"

^^This is why im in love with Nate Ryan. Nuff said.

Kisses & Kryptonite,
Lola
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